I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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