I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
