my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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