1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
