My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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