I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
