Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
