Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
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I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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