i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
