My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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