i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
