How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
