Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
