Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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