my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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