Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
