The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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