her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
