Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
