I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
