I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Come share oat with me in your robe
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
