I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
