They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
