Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
