for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
