You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
