im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
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My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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