Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
