A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
