If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
