happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
