it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
