i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
