ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
