Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
