How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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