I met the friendliest cop last night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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