when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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