I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
