Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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