I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
