i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
