you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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