i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
