I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
