I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
