he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
