oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
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OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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