A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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