I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
