I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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