The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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