"it" just moved
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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