Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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