I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
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