If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
