i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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