how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
